I've always wanted to be one of those people who care about anniversaries, dates, that sort of thing. I'm good with remembering birthdays, and of course i'm a sucker for holidays, but other things fall through the wayside.
Like personal stuff for me, when I started writing obsessively in my live journal (which i've since kind of stopped, but still update a few times a month)
When I started my job and went back to school is on that list too, was it January 7th at co op, or the 14th? When did I officially become a grad student?
I even had to look up when I started trying to lose weight.
That day, it so happens, is August 10th.
And that should be a big day for me, I should treat myself. I should be proud of how in less than a year i've lost more than 70 pounds.
But realistically I'll forget about the 10th before it happens, and I'll let it pass in a fanfare of work stress and heat.
I shouldn't though. And it's not just because I've lost the equivalent of a 4th grader. The later part of last summer market a change for me. I didn't like the person I was becoming. I had a fresh start ahead of me with school, and trips planned that involved walking around big cities with my gorgeous and tiny friends. I wanted to feel more in control, of my life, and I wanted to be proud of myself and the people I surrounded myself with.
Unfortunately this was also when I started some immature forms of communication with a former friend. In hindsight I can't bring myself to regret that. The things I said were not that hurtful, but the way I chose to express them were childish. Though now I realize that I would never have been able to express anything to her face, that after 13 years we didn't talk about anything substantial, and that my opinions were often overlooked to the point where i began to keep them quiet.
I was unhappy. The people I was surrounding myself for were stagnant, rotting wood, Being around them was like letting the world suck all of my ambition and dreams from me.
The other day I was thinking that these people, who were such a huge part of my life for more than a decade, hadn't been around for much of my 25th year and despite a few months of winter loneliness and school stress I didn't really miss them. I missed having friends in the area, who I could call and expect to see in five minutes, but I didn't miss them. Friendship by proximity is a dangerous thing, and the loneliness I felt was for that, not for the loss of two people.
But here we are almost a year later, a year from when i started trying to better myself because i was tired of the control games a girl who would rather act like a wounded star loved to play, tired of "oh I don't know" and "I'd rather die than act like an adult" as answers, tired of people never having money to spend on trips, or fun things, but always having enough for weed and going out to eat.
I'm here a year later and I'm happy.
I'm a year into my masters degree, with an internship in my field.
I'm still working a steady job that pays well.
I'm taking the trips I always wanted to take with the friends who have only ever been supportive.
I'm being healthy, physically and emotionally.
I don't balk as much when people call me cute, and I'm leaning to not question peoples feelings for me.
I'm so proud of myself. I don't even recognize the girl i was a year ago.
And that doesn't mean everything has been smooth sailing. There are weeks where I skip the gym, one's where i don't do my required reading and don't do my best at work, days where I hate myself for being lazy and only watching the news. There are days when I'm angry. Yeah I still get angry, especially about how things went down.
i'm tired of being angry. Especially at someone who's lack of decision has turned into their sole means of moving forward in life.
And August 10th is so far way.*
So I'd like to say July 26th I'm done. I wash my hands of the people who mere mention of can raise my blood pressure. That shouldn't be a problem, it's not like anyone is really reaching out.
I want 26 to be a new year, a clean year, one where I go where I want with who I want, where I care about people with abandon and work my ass off completing career goals, and while no one is perfect I only want to surround myself with people who are doing the same, who are positive and loving, who want what's best for me.
I've done so much in the last twelve months. I owe myself a fresh start.
And yeah that fresh start will still include obsessive journaling.
I'm okay with that being something that that will never change.
*I'm aware the peak of my drama happened in November (the 26th, actually), but I'm not ruining any more holidays, and spending any more time dwelling on manipulative, abusive, and criminally indecisive people.