It’s just starting to feel like everyone is moving on with their lives without me, and I know everyone moves at their own pace, but it’s so hard when I’m in some form of self-imposed stagnation.
I know that’s an overstatement. I’m learning. I’ll have my degree next year.
But until then I don’t feel like I’m worth a whole lot, and that my opinions are increasingly less relevant.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay imposer syndrome, you can leave whenever you want.
I’d like to say that my general school/work freakout was making my usual holiday/loneliness freakout less, but I’m kinda paralyzed by how much I’m worried about the Christmas and new years and the state of my relationships.
I guess I’m also getting to the point where the career, the accomplishments, they’re nothing if I don’t have someone to share them with, and who would want to do that? I’m exhausting to myself. I can never stop thinking, I talk to much about things that are irrelevant, or too small to be important.
It doesn’t help that I have members constantly insulting my appearance and relationship status, like that’s all that’s important.
I’m so scared that this last year, with all the improvements and people, will be the best I can do, that nothing will grow from here and the people I care about will start to fall away. I don’t know how I’d handle that.
I mean I know I’d be fine outwardly. I’ve done that before, I’m just scared of the crushing feeling that comes with having no one.
I have too much homework to be going down this spiral. Back to Digital Collections, obsolete media, and metadata.
I didn't think I'd love New Orleans so much, or that i'd be head over heels for authentic creole food immediately. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about actually doing Halloween things for Halloween, or taking a trip with next to no planning.
And then everything was perfect. Okay it rained. It rained a lot, but even that was strangely perfect. It made sneaking into shops so worth it. I got my signature books, and a new top from a fun little boutique. I have my mom’s Christmas and birthday gifts taken care of and a small gift for my dad. I learned how to navigate a new city, all be it a small part of it, in record time. I had beignets and oysters and truly the best food and drink in memory. There were fresh croissants in the morning chaos to rival time square.
Of course that’s all nothing if I’m not traveling with my best friend, and maybe that’s really what was so great about this weekend. I love adventures with Jasmyn, or really any time with Jasmyn, since it’s in relatively short supply. But we balance each other out really well. I need more of that balance in my life. I’m getting really uptight and planning things down to the last detail, I have three calendars going to make sure I have all my assignments turned in and appointments attended. For the first time since august I got a taste of what unstructured feels like, and I loved it so much I could cry.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is this – New Orleans was all about the “feeling”, and for me that was happiness. In a similar way that Orlando was about “Fantasy”, Boston “Drunk History”, and New York “Achievement.”
I’ve gotten so much out of the places I’ve been this year. I can’t wait to see more.
okay i'll probably think about school a lot. that's okay though. I'm a grad student.
I want to stop saying sorry. This doesn't mean i want to stop apologizing for things that deserve apologizing over. I should work on getting better at that too. My sincere apologizes tend to sound mechanic and aggressive. However “sorry” spills out of my mouth at least a dozen times a day over things like opinions and people bumping into me. It’s always quiet and shy and begging others to let like me.
I’m sorry because I want a refill at a restaurant
Or because I got excited about something.
What kills me is I know strangers don’t mind, it’s polite when you don’t see it as a verbal tick.
I can feel it crushing relationships though. It should, too. I was just reading a passage about this perpetual need to apologize, and I realized that for me it’s more asking permission for things to continue, for me to be me, to acknowledge that I’m taking someone valuable time.
Because to me everyone’s time is valuable but my own. A coworker asks about wall decal strips and I go on an exhaustive google search that lasts half a shift. In the process I stop looking up my books for the upcoming semester.
I want to feel safe and secure in all of these important relationships, but I feel like more of an imposition to the people l love in DC and Chicago. I don’t have real problems, I have feelings I’m awful at expressing. If I’m not apologizing I’m thanking people for putting up with me.
The last three people hated that wording.
I don’t’ think I was always this bad. I really don’t. My first instinct wasn’t always to apologize for existing and thanking people for listening for ten minute chunks. I don’t know that I always started sentences with “yeah here’s what I did wrong but I want to talk about XYZ so I have to acknowledge it.”
I’m writing this all out to try and help me understand it. I don’t know if it comes from last fall, and being so in the wrong, and needing forgiveness from that. It might involve how introspective school made me, and how having these really important goals changed me, and realizing that those same goals were so boring to so many people made me want to shut up.
I truly want to hear about the minor parts of so many people’s lives and assume no one wants to hear about mine.
Maybe they don’t tho?
I want to stop saying sorry over everything. I do want apologizes to mean something coming out of my mouth. I want to stop aggravating the people I talk to by assuming I bug them.
I don’t know how to do any of this.
But then i remembered yesterdays - the smallest family renuion at a overrated resturant almost two hours away - and I remembered how proud I felt when people who hadn't seen me since last march couldn't recogninze me (i was also confused, my face is still very much my face!)
Then the questions started firing, some rational - how much (72), others less so - how many guys I'm beating off with sticks (...just no), but the one that took me by surprise was "How long?"
It took me a minute before i realized i looked this up not too long ago. I put it on my calander.It's starred.
It's a year.
Exactly a year today.
I'm very proud of what i've accomplished, and i'm really glad to say that at this point the acual weight loss comes in second to some advancements i've made in my personal and professional life.
But if nothing else i've proven to myself that if I set my mind to something i can accomplish it.
And now i can be excited for the future.
Kelli and David have been so great! I'm seriously happy to have spent so much time with them this weekend. Plus I'm glad kirsten is home! There are of course some people I would have loved to see this weekend, both from around the area and in the greater United States, but I'm coming to find that distance isn't always the problem it could be. Thoughts usually find their destinations in one way or another, and i've become very candid with my feelings lately.
I'm so happy. Ahhh.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who care about anniversaries, dates, that sort of thing. I'm good with remembering birthdays, and of course i'm a sucker for holidays, but other things fall through the wayside.
Like personal stuff for me, when I started writing obsessively in my live journal (which i've since kind of stopped, but still update a few times a month)
When I started my job and went back to school is on that list too, was it January 7th at co op, or the 14th? When did I officially become a grad student?
I even had to look up when I started trying to lose weight.
That day, it so happens, is August 10th.
And that should be a big day for me, I should treat myself. I should be proud of how in less than a year i've lost more than 70 pounds.
But realistically I'll forget about the 10th before it happens, and I'll let it pass in a fanfare of work stress and heat.
I shouldn't though. And it's not just because I've lost the equivalent of a 4th grader. The later part of last summer market a change for me. I didn't like the person I was becoming. I had a fresh start ahead of me with school, and trips planned that involved walking around big cities with my gorgeous and tiny friends. I wanted to feel more in control, of my life, and I wanted to be proud of myself and the people I surrounded myself with.
Unfortunately this was also when I started some immature forms of communication with a former friend. In hindsight I can't bring myself to regret that. The things I said were not that hurtful, but the way I chose to express them were childish. Though now I realize that I would never have been able to express anything to her face, that after 13 years we didn't talk about anything substantial, and that my opinions were often overlooked to the point where i began to keep them quiet.
I was unhappy. The people I was surrounding myself for were stagnant, rotting wood, Being around them was like letting the world suck all of my ambition and dreams from me.
The other day I was thinking that these people, who were such a huge part of my life for more than a decade, hadn't been around for much of my 25th year and despite a few months of winter loneliness and school stress I didn't really miss them. I missed having friends in the area, who I could call and expect to see in five minutes, but I didn't miss them. Friendship by proximity is a dangerous thing, and the loneliness I felt was for that, not for the loss of two people.
But here we are almost a year later, a year from when i started trying to better myself because i was tired of the control games a girl who would rather act like a wounded star loved to play, tired of "oh I don't know" and "I'd rather die than act like an adult" as answers, tired of people never having money to spend on trips, or fun things, but always having enough for weed and going out to eat.
I'm here a year later and I'm happy.
I'm a year into my masters degree, with an internship in my field.
I'm still working a steady job that pays well.
I'm taking the trips I always wanted to take with the friends who have only ever been supportive.
I'm being healthy, physically and emotionally.
I don't balk as much when people call me cute, and I'm leaning to not question peoples feelings for me.
I'm so proud of myself. I don't even recognize the girl i was a year ago.
And that doesn't mean everything has been smooth sailing. There are weeks where I skip the gym, one's where i don't do my required reading and don't do my best at work, days where I hate myself for being lazy and only watching the news. There are days when I'm angry. Yeah I still get angry, especially about how things went down.
i'm tired of being angry. Especially at someone who's lack of decision has turned into their sole means of moving forward in life.
And August 10th is so far way.*
So I'd like to say July 26th I'm done. I wash my hands of the people who mere mention of can raise my blood pressure. That shouldn't be a problem, it's not like anyone is really reaching out.
I want 26 to be a new year, a clean year, one where I go where I want with who I want, where I care about people with abandon and work my ass off completing career goals, and while no one is perfect I only want to surround myself with people who are doing the same, who are positive and loving, who want what's best for me.
I've done so much in the last twelve months. I owe myself a fresh start.
And yeah that fresh start will still include obsessive journaling.
I'm okay with that being something that that will never change.
*I'm aware the peak of my drama happened in November (the 26th, actually), but I'm not ruining any more holidays, and spending any more time dwelling on manipulative, abusive, and criminally indecisive people.
I say should. Cause obviously i will not rob myself of my favorite form of chatarsis when my hormones are going crazy and all of me hurts. This month i leaned into it. I put on Bon Iver and Arcade Fire at my internship today. I stopped myself from sending a solid two dozen melodramatic texts to a handful of people (a good six or seven still got through, including one i'm kicking myself for just sending) I made a sad day playlist that is both calming and indulgent.
but i'm still down, and my mouth still hurts. I need to get back on track with my diet. Then i should work on getting a handle on how i communicate with the people i care about.
I want to read but i'm in the middle of upsetting books.
i feel like such a little shit right now. I had a week of self pitting for my wisdom teeth and then when things get a bit better WHAM irrational dispeare everywhere.
Park of me wants to throw my phone against a wall right now just so i'll stop looking at it.